


trust your heart if the seas catch fire

by splendidlyimperfect



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Christmas, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking, Drunk Cuddles, First Kiss, Gray is patient, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mutual Pining, Natsu is bad at feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Roommates, Touching, Tumblr: FTLGBTales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17213669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Natsu only lets Gray touch him when he's drunk, and Gray wants to figure out why.





	trust your heart if the seas catch fire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mdelpin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mdelpin/gifts).



> Title is from a poem called [dive for dreams](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse?contentId=25956) by e.e. cummings
> 
> _trust your heart  
>  if the seas catch fire  
> (and live by love  
> though the stars walk backward) ___
> 
> __TW for reference to past child abuse/sexual abuse_ _

The first time Natsu let Gray touch him, he was drunk.  

It was two in the morning and he stumbled through the door of their apartment, kicked off his shoes, and flopped down on the couch next to Gray, who had fallen asleep while reading a book.  

“Hey.” Natsu threw a pillow at Gray, who startled and dropped his book on the floor. Natsu laughed, shaking his head. “Wann’ play MarioKart?”  

Gray blinked at the clock next to the TV, then frowned at Natsu. “It’s the middle of the night,” he grumbled. Natsu’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes were bright, and Gray could smell the alcohol on him.  

“So?” Natsu grabbed a controller from the table and tossed it to Gray. “You’re jus’ scared I’m gonn’ beat you.”  

Gray rolled his eyes, but didn’t argue, sitting up and yawning as Natsu turned on the TV. The bright light from the loading screen highlighted what looked like a bruise on Natsu’s cheek. Gray frowned, about to ask about it when Natsu gestured for him to pick a character.  

Gray was both terrible at MarioKart, and incredibly distracted by how close Natsu was sitting to him. In the six months since they’d gone from strangers to roommates to friends, Natsu had always shied away from touch, purposeful or accidental. Now his thigh was touching Gray’s and their shoulders bumped when Natsu shifted to take corners in the game.  

“You’re terr’ble at this.” Natsu laughed as Bowser slid into first place, while Gray still lagged behind in eighth. Gray rolled his eyes, and was surprised when Natsu slumped back against the cushion, letting his entire body rest against Gray’s. It was enough to make Gray let Peach veer off the track and end up in the bushes.  

“You usually are too,” he argued, feeling the warmth of Natsu through his t-shirt. There was no space between them – usually Natsu sat on the other end of the couch, blanket wrapped around him, pillows piled between them. They were friendly, and while Gray liked to  _look_ at Natsu, he’d found that it was better to keep his hands to himself. 

“Better at it when ‘m a bit drunk,” Natsu laughed. “Better at a- a lotta things when ’m drunk.” He gave Gray a mildly suggestive look that sent heat straight to Gray’s cheeks. Natsu laughed and tipped his head onto the back of the couch and Gray stared at him, game forgotten. Something was off. Natsu was laughing, but his eyes looked sad.  

“Are you... okay?” Gray asked carefully, desperately trying not to move and scare Natsu away. Nastu shrugged, and then shocked Gray by dropping his head onto Gray’s shoulder. His hair brushed against Gray’s cheek and Gray froze, overwhelmed by the sudden affection.  

“Mm.” Natsu sighed, looking down at his hands. Gray realized suddenly that Natsu’s knuckles were swollen and bruised, with small cuts between them. “Saw m’ brother. He’s a jackass.”  

“Your brother?” Gray tried to keep his voice even. He knew nothing about Natsu’s family – Natsu had never offered the information, and Gray had never asked.  

“Mm. He w’s in jail.” Natsu flexed his hands. “Guess not ‘nymore.”  

“You... hit him?” Gray guessed. Natsu hummed in agreement and Gray chewed his lip uncertainly. He was still trying to process the hundreds of places that their bodies were touching, and why Nastu wasn’t pulling away like he did every time they made contact. Under the alcohol, Natsu smelled like Old Spice shampoo, and he was warm, and his breathing was soft and even, and- 

“Sorry,” Natsu said quietly, pulling Gray out of his thoughts. “’s stupid.” He didn’t move away from Gray, though, and Gray stayed right where he was.   

“It’s not stupid,” Gray argued. Natsu didn't say anything, and they sat in silence for a long time, watching Bowser make laps around the other drivers on the screen.  

 

* * *

 

Gray woke up on the couch alone. When Natsu came home from work the next evening, he either ignored or didn’t notice the looks Gray gave him, and acted like nothing happened. When Gray’s arm brushed against him when he walked through the kitchen, Natsu recoiled as usual, and Gray’s chest ached.  

 

* * *

 

The next time it happened it was a month later, a few days before Thanksgiving. Gray came home to Natsu sitting on the couch, bottle of whiskey on the coffee table and a half-empty glass in his hand. Gray frowned – he hadn’t even known that they  _owned_ whiskey.  

“Hey,” he said tentatively, setting down his bag and sitting down on the couch. Natsu didn’t look up at him, just tipped the glass back and forth between his hands, then took another sip. “You... okay?”  

“No.” Natsu’s voice was soft, and it sounded like he’d been crying. Gray could see now that Natsu’s eyes were red – although Gray wasn’t sure if that was from tears or drinking.  

“What’s up?” Gray shifted slightly closer on the couch. They hadn’t talked as much as usual since the MarioKart incident – Natsu had been friendly, but had been spending more and more time locked in his room, and it left Gray feeling lonely and uncertain.  

“’s not ‘mportant,” Natsu slurred, shaking his head. He set down the glass and rubbed his temples. Gray inspected the bottle of whiskey – it was currently half empty, and he really hoped Natsu hadn’t just opened it.  

“Why don’t we put that away?” Gray suggested gently, reaching out to take the glass and the bottle. He was surprised when Natsu didn’t argue, just slumped forward with his head in his hands and groaned.  

“’Stupid,” he mumbled, not bothering to elaborate.  

“You wanna... talk about it?” Gray asked hesitantly. Without thinking, he reached out to touch Natsu’s arm, and before he could pull back, Natsu had grabbed his hand. There was no flinch, just warm fingers against his, and Gray couldn’t help his surprised exhale.  

“Jus’ hate holidays.” Natsu sighed and leaned back into the couch, twining their fingers together and resting their joined hands on his stomach. Before Gray could process what was happening, Natsu said, very quietly, “I jus’ don’ like bein’ alone.”  

Gray frowned. “You mean like, for Thanksgiving?”  

“Mm.”  

“Your family’s not here?” Gray asked tentatively.  

“Don’ have a family,” Natsu replied. Gray wasn’t sure what to say. He relaxed back into the couch slowly, breath hitching when Natsu began to run his thumb over the back of Gray‘s hand.   

“I’m... I’m sorry,” Gray said eventually, holding in a shiver as Natsu leaned against him, resting their heads together. This Natsu was so soft, so vulnerable. Sober Natsu was nice enough, and kind, but there were hard edges to him that pushed Gray away. Now, it felt like Natsu was pulling him in. 

“’s fine,” Natsu mumbled, squeezing Gray’s hand. “’s not you. You’re... good.”  

“Good?” Gray asked, puzzled, but the only answer was a soft snore.  

 

* * *

 

When Gray got back from Thanksgiving with Lyon, Natsu seemed fine. He didn’t talk about what had happened, and when Gray checked the cupboard above the stove, the whiskey was gone. Whether Natsu had drank it or poured it out, he wasn’t sure.  

Gray found himself watching Natsu more closely after that. He experimented with touch – once in a while he’d brush against Natsu’s arm, or touch his shoulder when he walked past him in the living room. Every time, Natsu would pull away or visibly flinch, and every time it broke Gray’s heart a little bit more.  

 

* * *

 

Christmas came, and with it, predictable disappointment. 

“You’d better slow down or you’re gonna stab yourself with those things.” Natsu’s voice was teasing, and Gray looked up at him from where he was curled up in the corner of the couch under a blanket, fingers flying over his knitting.  

The snow was drifting down the window behind Natsu and he was lit up by the soft glow of the lamp next to the table, hair falling in his eyes as his thumbs flicked over the buttons on the xBox controller. 

“The needles,” Natsu clarified when Gray didn’t respond. Gray looked down and realized that he was gripping them tightly, and that his last few rows of the scarf he’d been working on were uneven and sloppy. He sighed.  

“You okay?” Natsu asked, pausing his game and scratching Happy’s ears – the kitten had jumped into his lap as soon as he’d sat down on the couch. “You’re grumpier than usual.”  

“Oh.” Gray sighed, setting down his needles and unravelling the last few rows. He shooed Happy away when the kitten jumped across the couch to bat at the yarn. “Sorry.”  

Natsu shrugged, glancing up at the character on the TV screen, sword poised half-swing. They’d been sitting in silence for a while. Gray had been knitting when Natsu had come home from work, and the ritual of Natsu sitting down a safe distance away, kicking up his feet on the coffee table and turning on the xBox was so familiar that they didn’t need to exchange words.   

“My dad called,” Gray said eventually. “He’s, uh, not coming for Christmas.” He tried to keep the emotion out of his voice, but he was sure that Natsu could pick up on his disappointment. His dad’s excuse of  _work came up, sorry kiddo,_ had made Gray feel like he was ten again, watching the stands at his baseball game for a face that would never be there. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Natsu said, looking up at Gray. Gray didn’t meet his eyes, focusing on the yarn between his fingers instead. “You okay?”  

Gray didn’t respond, knowing that if he said ‘yes’, Natsu would see through his lie. “Looks like you’re stuck with me,” he said eventually, avoiding the question.   

Gray caught the moment of Natsu’s hand out of the corner of his eye and he was surprised to see it hover tentatively in the air between them, as if he was going to comfort Gray. Natsu quickly pulled away, though, dropping his hand back into his lap.  

“Yeah,” Natsu said instead, voice uncharacteristically soft. “I guess so.”  

 

* * *

 

“You look like you’re gonna murder someone.” Gray looked up from the couch to see Sting standing there, holding a plastic cup of beer and raising his eyebrows. “Natsu’s right, you really do have resting bitch face.”  

“Fuck off,” Gray grumbled, keeping his eyes on his hands. They were at a pre-Christmas party at Erza’s house, festive music pumping through the speakers behind Gray and lights flickering throughout the living room.  

Gray could see Natsu over at the dining room table, helping their friend Lucy decorate a gingerbread house. Every time Lucy moved close to Natsu, he backed away a bit, and Gray could see the mild flash of discomfort on his face each time.  

“You’ve got it bad for him, hey?”  

Gray looked up sharply at Sting’s words, and instead of the teasing expression he’d been expecting, Sting’s face was serious. Out of all their friends, he was the one that Gray least expected to take something like this seriously.  

“Is there any point in me saying no?” Gray asked, looking away from Sting and down at the hole in the knee of his jeans.  

“I mean,” Sting said carefully, “you’re not- don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s not hard to see it.” Gray chewed on his lip and Sting nudged his shoulder. “It’s okay, he’s… kind of an idiot, especially with this kind of stuff.”  

Gray sighed, leaning forward on his elbows and looking over at Natsu again. “I can’t figure him out,” he admitted eventually. Sting didn’t say anything and Gray hesitated, not sure how much to share. “Sometimes he’s like a different person.”  

“When he’s drunk, you mean?” Sting’s voice had a note of sadness to it, and Gray looked over at him curiously. Sting gave Gray a wry look. “I’ve tried to talk to him about it. It’s just- I guess it’s how he copes.”  

They were silent for a moment, listening to some cheesy Christmas lyrics drifting over the crowd. Gray could see that Natsu was smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, and his beer didn’t leave his hand often.  

“He had a shitty go of things,” Sting said eventually.  

“His family, you mean?” Gray asked.  

Sting looked surprised. “He talked to you about that?” Gray nodded. “Wow. Took him five years to even mention the whole- the foster care stuff. Any of it, really. He must really trust you.”  

“Only when he’s wasted,” Gray said, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice. “And then the next day, he flinches again. Pretends he didn’t- we didn’t…”  

“Again?” Sting glanced over at Natsu, then back at Gray. “He lets you touch him?”  

Gray felt a dark flush run up from his chest to his cheeks, and he was glad that his hair hid the redness of his ears.  

“Just, uh…” He picked at the loose threads on his jeans. “Yeah. A couple times, we- I mean it’s just, nothing, not like _that_ , I mean-“  

“Dude, Natsu hasn’t even  _hugged_ anyone as long as I’ve known him.” Sting leaned back, throwing his arm over the back of the couch and studying his friend again. “I tried to once – hug him, I mean – and he gave me a black eye.”  

“Shit.” Gray rubbed his face, debating whether or not to ask the question. Eventually, he couldn’t keep it in anymore. “Did someone- his foster family, or, did they- did something happen?”  

Sting didn’t answer at first, just watched Natsu joking with Lucy while keeping his distance. “Yeah,” he said eventually. “I think so. When we were in high school, sometimes he’d stay with me. Said his folks were out of town or something, but…” He looked over at Natsu. “I dunno if I should be telling you this. Seems like his thing to say.”  

Gray nodded. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “No, that’s fair.” He rubbed his eyes, suddenly wishing he were anywhere but here. “Just wish I could figure him out.”  

Sting snorted. “Yeah. You and me both.”  

 

* * *

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Natsu said. His voice was soft and his words were slightly slurred from the beer he’d been drinking, but he looked up at Gray as he said it, and Gray felt his stomach do a complicated sort of flip. It was Christmas Eve and they were settled on the couch, eating pizza and half-heartedly watching ‘The Princess Bride.’  

Natsu was lying sideways on the couch with his head next to Gray’s thigh, while Gray’s feet were kicked up over the coffee table. Over the course of the night they had slowly moved closer together, and now there were only inches separating them. They didn’t have a tree, but Gray had hung some Christmas lights haphazardly over the TV stand, and they were highlighting Natsu’s face in shades of red and green.  

“M-me too,” Gray managed, swallowing and pulling the couch cushion he’d been holding closer to his stomach. Natsu shuffeld up a bit and then his hair was brushing Gray’s thigh. Gray held his breath, terrified of making some sort of embarrassing sound.  

“’s wrong?” Natsu asked, still gazing at Gray intently. His cheeks were flushed a bit – Gray wasn’t sure how many bottles of beer Natsu had had, but it was clearly enough to make him affectionate again. “You look sad.”  

Gray hesitated. His mind was a little fuzzy and while part of him was hesitant, the other part was ready to bare his soul to Natsu if he kept looking at him like that.  

“’m mad at my dad,” he admitted after a minute. Natsu’s head touched Gray’s knee as he shifted and looked up at Gray upside-down, and Gray suddenly felt like he didn’t quite know what to do with his hands. He desperately wanted to run his fingers through Natsu’s hair, but he didn’t wan- 

“He’s an asshole.” Natsu’s words were blunt and Gray frowned at his friend. “People should… family’s important.” There was a heavy silence while Gray waited for Natsu to decide if he wanted to keep going. Eventually Natsu whispered, “I wish I had a family.”  

Gray couldn’t help it. Natsu’s face had fallen and he looked so sad, and before Gray could think, his hand was there, brushing wayward strands of hair from Natsu’s face. Natsu looked up at him, expression unreadable, and Gray cursed under his breath.  

“S-sorry, I didn’t-“ He moved to pull his hand away but Natsu reached up and grabbed his wrist, fingers warm against Gray’s skin. “I didn’t…” he repeated, but Natsu just closed his eyes and pressed his head up into Gray’s hand.  

Gray didn’t move for a second, then slowly, carefully, ran his fingers through Natsu’s hair. This felt different from the tentative times they’d touched before – this was deliberate. Purposeful.  

The sound Natsu made was somewhere between a sigh and a purr, and it made Gray feel like he couldn’t quite breathe. He ran his fingers along Natsu’s scalp and Natsu turned away from the television, settling his head on Gray’s thigh and pressing his knees against the back of the couch. 

Gray slowly began to relax as Natsu melted into him while Gray combed his fingers gently through Natsu' hair. Natsu kept his eyes closed, but when he shifted, his hand moved to rest on Gray’s hip, and Gray could feel the heat of Natsu’s body through his sweatpants.  

“When’d your dad leave?” Natsu asked after a few minutes. Gray stopped stroking his hair for a moment, surprised by the question. Natsu nudged for him to continue.  

“When I was, uh… eight?” Gray said, trying not to think of his younger self crying himself to sleep for weeks after seeing his dad’s car pull out of the driveway forever.  

“At Christmas?”  

Gray froze. How did Natsu know that? He’d never talked about it before – neither of them had really gone past the surface details of their childhoods and Gray was generally fine to keep it that way. But now, in the dark, with the soft glow of the Christmas lights and Natsu’s hair under his fingers, it felt…  

“Yeah,” he said finally. “Few days before Christmas.” His voice stuck in his throat and he swallowed heavily.  

“Jackass,” Natsu muttered, voice surprisingly affectionate. Gray didn’t disagree with him, just sat in silence and watched the movie running in the background.  _Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die._  

“I wasn’t- I didn’t really expect to see him this year,” Gray admitted. The phone call had stung, but the barricades Gray had built up against the disappointment made it more of a papercut and less of a deep wound. “He always promises, but… he never shows up.”  

“’m sorry,” Natsu said softly. Gray nearly fainted when Natsu shifted his hand and moved under the fabric of Gray’s sweater. Natsu’s thumb began to rub soft circles over Gray’s hip, and Gray tried desperately to not let Natsu hear the way his breath hitched, or the soft sound he made at the contact.  

“’s not y-your fault,” Gray stuttered, looking down at Natsu and realizing that his friend was gazing at him again, eyes full of… something Gray couldn’t identify. What was going on? 

“I dunno where my parents are,” Natsu said after a minute. His touch sent hot sparks through Gray, who did his best to keep his breathing even and not tighten his fingers in Natsu’s hair. “Sometimes I- they have those things, y’know, to, to find your birth parents. Or try. And part of me’s curious, but then- they’re prob’ly dead. An’ if they’re alive, then what? How could- what do you say to someone who left you on the street when you were six months old?” 

Gray’s heart sank. “Shit,” he whispered, brushing back Natsu’s bangs and absently running his fingers down over Natsu’s cheek. “That’s- I’m sorry. That’s fucked up.”  

“Mm.” Natsu’s eyes made their way back to Gray’s and Gray suddenly realized what he was doing – how his thumb was stroking Natsu’s cheek as he brushed hair behind Natsu’s ears. His brain screamed at him to stop, but the way Natsu was looking at him…  

“Y-you don’t usually like me touching you,” Gray said quietly, voice barely a whisper. Natsu’s thumbnail dug into Gray’s hip for a second, then he let out a sigh and buried his face in Gray’s stomach.  

“’s not you,” he mumbled into Gray’s jeans. “I like- I wanna. But it- when I was little- wasn’t always safe.” The words seemed like they were being dragged out of him and he curled up a little tighter against Gray. “People I was s’posed to, to trust. Did shit.”  

“I’m sorry,” Gray whispered, stroking Natsu’s hair and relaxing back into the couch. Natsu didn’t respond, just kept running his thumb up and down Gray’s hip until his movements started to slow. The movie had been over for a long time, and Gray’s eyes felt heavy. He needed to sleep, but didn’t want this to go away.  

“Can I-“ Gray started hesitantly, leaning back a bit. Natsu made a contented noise, letting Gray lean back against the armrest, then scooting up the couch to cuddle against him, head resting on Gray’s chest. Gray wrapped a tentative arm around him, sighing at the feel of sleep dragging him into the cushions. “You gonna pretend this didn’t happen tomorrow?” he whispered, fear and hesitation creeping through him, but when he looked down, Natsu was already asleep, hand fisted in Gray’s shirt and leg tucked between Gray’s.  

Gray sighed, resting his chin on Natsu’s head and trying to stay awake for as long as he could. They probably wouldn’t ever talk about this again, and Gray wanted to hold onto the feeling as long as he could.  

 

* * *

 

When Gray woke up on Christmas morning, he was alone on the couch. Disappointment settled into his stomach, cold and heavy, and he pressed his face into the cushions, embarrassment rushing through him at the tears behind his eyes. For fuck’s sake, he was a grown man. What the hell was wrong with him?  

A sound behind the couch had him hurriedly wiping his face, and he sat up just in time to see Natsu coming into the living room, cup of coffee in each hand. 

“Sleep okay?” Natsu asked, not quite looking at Gray as he handed him one of the mugs. Gray blinked, still not quite awake, and uncertain how to answer the question. “Merry Christmas,” Natsu added hurriedly, as if he didn’t really want to know the answer either.  

Gray shook his head, mind clearing as he rubbed his eyes. “Yeah,” he said, trying to keep his voice light. “Merry Christmas.”  

Natsu stood silently next to the couch for a long time and Gray was afraid to look up, to make eye contact and see what Natsu was thinking. What if he was angry, or upset, or offended? What if Gray was an idiot and had read the whole thing wrong, and then made it worse by  _cuddling_ with Natsu last night, as if that was a thing that roommates did regularly. What if- 

“Yeah.” Natsu’s voice was uncertain and Gray couldn’t get a read on his expression. Not for the first time, Gray wondered what he was getting himself into.  

He liked Natsu, obviously, but he wasn’t so sure that Natsu felt the same way. In the dark, defenses softened by alcohol and the late hour, it felt like Natsu was a completely different person. Now it was day, and the walls were back up, and Natsu stood far enough away from Gray that they couldn’t touch.  

Gray sighed. His heart felt… busy. Complicated. It was such a jumble of emotions – anger at his dad, hurt and disappointment; sadness and a strange sense of protectiveness for the things that Natsu had admitted in the dark. Everything was all blurring together, mixed up in his sleep-addled brain, and he didn’t know what to do.  

“You okay?” Natsu asked, and when Gray looked up at him, he saw uncertainty where yesterday there had been tentative trust.  

 _Fuck it,_ he thought.  _I can’t keep doing this._  

“I don’t like pretending.” The words were shaky and Gray felt heat rush to his cheeks. Natsu’s expression shifted slightly, and Gray couldn’t read it. “I know you- it's easier to not talk. About the- the touching. Cuddling. Whatever.“ He couldn’t stop now, everything was spilling out and he focused on the mug in his hands, the heat on his fingertips.  

“Gray, I-”  

“No, it’s- I’m not trying to say that you have to...” Gray groaned in frustration, rubbing his face. He peeked up at Natsu and was surprised to see that there were tears in his eyes. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”  

“Fuck,” Natsu whispered, setting his coffee down on the coffee table and sitting on the couch – far enough from Gray that they couldn’t touch. He ran a hand over his face, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t...”  

“Do you remember it?” Gray asked softly. “Is it just, you just don’t remember? Or you’re trying to pretend it didn’t happen? ‘Cause I don’t wanna pretend, I- fuck, I like it, and I like you, and I know there’s shit going on which is, that’s, I understand that, I just-”  

“Gray.”  

“I don’t want it to just be this thing, where you- I mean, do you even, I don’t even know how you feel when you’re not drunk, and maybe I’m just being- I dunno, reading too much-”  

“Gray.” Natsu’s voice was firm and Gray caught himself, heart thundering in his chest. He couldn’t look up. What if he saw all the things he was afraid of, and he’d fucked things up forever?  

“I’m sorry,” Gray whispered. The tears were there again and he swore, rubbing the heel of his hand over his eyes.  

“No,  _I’m_ sorry,” Natsu said softly. “Shit, I didn’t... fuck.”  

There was a long silence between them, and Gray felt like he was going to throw up. Eventually Natsu shifted on the couch – a tiny bit closer to Gray, but still not within touching range.  

“I do remember,” he said. ”I feel- fuck, I feel like an ass. Sting’s gotten on my case for drinking too much before, and I know I need to stop. It’s just... easier than feelings, sometimes.”  

Gray finally looked up at Natsu’s regretful face. “I’m not... I’m not talking about the drinking,” he said quietly. Natsu met his eyes and there was a tense moment where neither of them could look away. Gray swallowed, managing to find his voice. ”If you just need- if it’s just a comfort thing, the touching, that’s- that’s okay. I get it.”  

Natsu didn’t say anything and the ache in Gray’s chest spread. Happy jumped up on the couch between them and meowed, oblivious to the tension as he headbutted Natsu. Natsu petted Happy absently, then sighed.  

“It’s not that,” he said slowly, as if the words were something that Gray had dragged out of him. “There’s- I do like it. You.” The ache began to shift into a tiny spark of hope as Gray looked up at Natsu again. “It’s scary. And hard to talk about, and I suck at feelings.”  

Gray laughed a little at that. Natsu continued to pet Happy as the kitten hopped into his lap and curled up into a tiny, purring ball.  

“A lotta people hurt me,” Natsu said after a moment, voice tight and quiet. “Really badly. I’m still- I know I’m fucked up from it. And it was easier before, ‘cause I didn’t need to let anyone in. But now... I don’t wanna push you away.”  

“Then don’t,” Gray pleaded. “Please, don’t.”  

“It’s not that easy,” Natsu whispered. “When I’m drunk, it’s... easier. Things don’t hurt. But now, like this, it’s real. And it’s terrifying.”  

Gray chewed his lip, trying to wrap his head around it. “You think I would... hurt you?” he asked hesitantly. Natsu shook his head vehemently.  

“No, I know you- my brain knows that. But my... the rest of me doesn't.” He ran his hands up and down his arms as if trying to brush away something that wasn’t there. “I’m just...”  

“Do you trust me?” Gray asked quietly. Natsu looked up at him, eyes soft and sad, but didn’t answer.  

Gray moved his hand until it was between them, sitting face-up on the couch cushion. He stayed where he was, eyes never leaving Natsu‘s.  

“I like you,” he said. “A lot. I hate waking up alone on the couch and pretending nothing happened. I don’t want this to just be some... something you feel like you can’t talk about, or you can only do when you’re wasted.” Gray could see the indecision on Natsu’s face, the way his hands twitched slightly but the rest of his body held him back.  

“I can’t be like- like that,” Natsu said, voice rough. “Fuck, I wanna... I want to, so badly. I think about...” he swallowed, cheeks flushing pink as his voice dropped to a whisper. “I think about kissing you.” Something bright leapt in Gray’s chest. “But thinking about it isn’t the same as... as getting close. I can’t.”  

“That’s okay,” Gray said gently. “This thing – if you want it – can be whatever you need. Whatever you can give, and that’s okay, I just don’t-” Gray swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting back tears. “I just don’t wanna pretend it’s not happening anymore.”  

Gray startled when he felt the gentle touch of Natsu’s fingers on his. He opened his eyes and looked over at Natsu, who was breathing shakily as he rested his hand over Gray’s. Neither of them moved for a moment, Natsu slowly relaxing into the touch, until their hands were clasped together.  

“You okay?” Gray asked gently. “If not- if you can’t, that’s okay. I get it.” Natsu nodded slowly, leaning back into the couch. He didn’t move closer to Gray, but he didn’t let go of his hand, either.  

“Okay,” he said.  

A moment passed, then another, and then half an hour went by as they sat on the couch, quietly holding hands.  

“Wanna watch a movie?” Gray asked eventually. Natsu gave him a soft smile and nodded, and Gray tossed Natsu the remote. Natsu’s hands were still shaky and it took him a few tries to get Netflix running, but he never let go of Gray’s hand.  

They both shifted until they were comfortable, still a space between them that Gray filled with throw pillows. Natsu looked grateful, and Gray felt hope flickering in his chest. Sure, it wasn’t the same as the drunken cuddling, the soft touches, Natsu’s hand brushing over his hip. Maybe that would come later, maybe it wouldn’t - all Gray could do was wait, and accept what Natsu felt he could give. 

For now, the feeling of Natsu’s fingers between his and the smile on Natsu’s face were more than enough for Gray.  

 

* * *

 

 **Six Months Later**  

 

“Hey, you.” Gray slid into the kitchen and dropped the grocery bags on the counter, making sure Natsu was looking at him before reaching out his hand. Natsu reached out and took it, squeezing gently. “How was work?”  

“Boring,” Natsu replied. He fiddled with his phone for a minute, then set it down on the counter, turning slowly toward Gray and bringing his hands to Gray’s hips. The touch was still light and tentative, and Gray made sure his embrace was loose as he brought his arms up around Natsu’s shoulders.  

“Okay?” he asked softly. Natsu nodded absently, eyes on the floor, cheeks dusted pink. “What’s wrong?”  

The last six months had been both difficult and incredibly rewarding. At first, all they did was hold hands, which still felt special to Gray each time they touched. After a while, Natsu had felt brave enough to sit next to Gray, shoulders touching, and after that had hesitantly let Gray put an arm around him.  

Once, they’d fallen asleep on the couch together, and when they’d woke up with Natsu’s arm wrapped around Gray’s waist, Natsu hadn’t panicked, just disentangled himself and disappeared into his room for part of the morning. Gray tried not to take it personally, always being there and available for Natsu to hug or cuddle if he wanted, but rarely initiating touch.  

“What’re you thinking about?” Natsu asked, pulling Gray out of his thoughts. Gray hummed, content with the feeling of Natsu’s thumbs brushing his hips over his shirt. This was more intimate than they’d been in a while – Natsu had withdrawn for a bit lately, spending more time in his room and shying away from any touch other than hand-holding.  

“You,” Gray said softly. He slowly brought his hand from Natsu’s shoulder the back of his neck, watching Natsu’s face for any sign of discomfort before he combed his fingers through the pink hair. Natsu sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.  

“Sorry,” he said after a minute, bringing a hand up slowly to touch Gray’s cheek. They were so close, and Gray felt his heartbeat leap as Natsu leaned even closer to him. “I know I’ve been kinda... not here lately.” He brushed his fingers down Gray’s jaw, then very, very slowly brought his thumb up to run over Gray’s lower lip.  

Gray couldn’t help the soft sound that escaped him. Everywhere Natsu’s fingers touched felt warm and made something in his stomach surge with happiness.  

“It’s okay,” he murmured, Natsu’s thumb still touching his lip. “I told you, it’s whatever you-”  

“I want to kiss you.”  

Natsu’s voice was soft but certain and Gray’s eyes met his, wide with surprise. “You... are you sure?” Gray asked. He kept combing his fingers through Natsu’s hair, his other hand running gently up and down Natsu’s arm.  

“Y-yeah,” Natsu said, eyes dropping to Gray’s lips. ”I just- if it’s too much...”  

“That’s okay,” Gray said gently, feeling Natsu’s hand move up to cup his cheek as he leaned in a little bit closer. “Whatever you need.”  

Before he could say anything else Natsu’s lips were pressed to his and Gray’s heart exploded into a staccato rhythm. He kissed Natsu back tentatively, hand still gentle in his hair, and Natsu made a quiet sound against Gray’s lips and brushed a thumb over his cheek.  

Natsu tipped his head a little and kept kissing him, soft and chaste, and Gray felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he could live forever in the circle of Natsu’s arms with the gentlest kiss he’d ever felt on his lips.  

After a moment, Natsu pulled back, breathing shakily and tightening his fingers on Gray’s hip. He looked up at Gray, eyes wide, and Gray was relieved to see that they were full of affection and not fear.  

“Okay?” Gray asked, pulling back a little to let Natsu catch his breath. Natsu nodded hesitantly, letting go of Gray and leaning back against the counter.  

“Yeah,” he breathed, lips curving up into a smile. “Yeah, I’m- good, I just- I need a minute.”  

Gray nodded, feeling a warm sense of contentment settle in his chest. They were okay. They could do this. He leaned back against the island counter, watching Natsu’s hesitant smile.  

“It’s okay,” he said gently, knowing, somehow, that no matter what happened, he would wait for Natsu for as long as it took. “Take all the time you need.”  


End file.
